Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Got ya covered
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.