Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
The government even made aliens boring
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall