boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
A game married people play.
*jingles half the way*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
fired
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.