My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
This pepper has seen some shit
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
called in thicc to work this morning
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.