They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
This is me
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit