The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.