Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly