the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
just having fun
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering