I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me