I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison đ
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canât imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I my rage I texted my friend âI made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it youâ.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccerâŚâWell, Iâm pretty much 40% as good as Messi nowâŚâ
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Itâs cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
an airline just for babies.
âAll I want is one nice photoâ
My kids:
Why hasnât anyone stopped him?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendyâs.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like âI had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.â
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
whatâs your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich⌔
ok
“and gives to the poorâ
nice. whatâs his name?
“Robin⌔
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
So Iâm at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling âkaboomâ in the middle of the night while dreaming.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”