remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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normalize having existential bread
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.