my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
#oldknees
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles