Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
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my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.