a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
You learn something every day
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho