Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera