i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Selfie
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.