I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My Guy
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
FRED: right
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going