My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.