i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I am patiently waiting for your email
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
absolutely not
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage