Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
bout dat hot dog summer
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…