Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.