“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.