Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
mariah carrie