Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
You Might Also Like
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
set yourself free xox
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
the three branches of government
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.