I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
checking out some reviews of my local library
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”