one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time