God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
You Might Also Like
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?