Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.