I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Bruh PLEASE
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Spring cleaning checklist…
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!