*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
How much for the goth pool noodles?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.