cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
This is sending me to another galaxy
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
#gardening
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“Wait, let me explain..”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.