Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
You Might Also Like
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Happy thanksgiving!
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.