[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
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[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting