HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..