Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
You Might Also Like
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no