Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.