sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer