Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow