modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.