We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
#parenting
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!