*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
You Might Also Like
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Dear Diary, someone鈥檚 sent me a podcast recommendation again.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don鈥檛 say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
馃馃槀馃槀
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: did you know there鈥檚 a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I鈥檓 not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par鈥攚hat did they name it after?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you鈥檝e all been doing a good job without me.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Alcohol won鈥檛 solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
God: you鈥檙e a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I鈥檓 sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Alien: this planet sucks I don鈥檛 know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs