*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.