I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
#parenting
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.