I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation