Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Great Canadian literature.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Just why bro?!
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.