Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
You Might Also Like
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Krampus.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.