My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”