“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island