My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
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technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: I鈥檓 going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I鈥檒l need to use a walk
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn鈥檛 even know she was a cop.
It doesn鈥檛 matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they鈥檙e coming
Breaking news:
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Forget what you鈥檙e wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost鈥檚 head for eternity
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: 鈻堚枅鈻堚枅鈻堚枅鈻堚枅
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I don鈥檛 share cheese on the first date.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*