“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
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Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot